it's just that lately everything that's happening to me leads back to you. and i just have to keep writing everything else that comes to mind so that i could forget you. to learn unlearning everything that i had with you. to prevent myself for missing everything about you. i guess that's what makes you my muse. you make me write. for i only write when i am boggled, restless and fixated about what i feel. the strong feeling that only fuels a series of "what ifs". my mind gets creative... what if i meet you again? what if we talk again? the answers play in my mind. all the thoughts, possible and impossible alike, are played over and over until my brain screams for an outlet.
you know me, this is the only outlet i know that isn't as messy as splashing paint all over my wall. or as risky as walking in the middle of the night going nowhere. i should just have written you a letter. but i do not have the courage, for fear of rejection. for fear of the unknown, because i do not know you anymore. it's been years. i have changed a bit, and i think you did too. there's a lot about me that you don't know anymore, so i only expect the same thing with you. it's just that i do not really know if you are as willing as i am to let you know me again. to start from scratch, as if we've never met in this lifetime.
we have friends, and they tell me how well you are right now. i hope you really are. for if they tell you that i am well, let it be known that i'm really not. but i'm hoping that you hope that i really am. when they tell me you are free. i'd like to know if you are happy with it. because i'll be happy for you too. i don't want to know that you are miserable because i'd like to be with you in your misery. to help you get up. to help you grow. to help you be happy. then i'd be happy too.
i do not know what i am saying. there's a lot in me that i wanna say. i'm just running out of words. the truth is, i want to see you again, to say to you in person whatever it is that's bothering me. i want to keep blabbering until i get tired. i want to see how you would react. and maybe by then, i'd be at peace, knowing the real answer to my "what ifs".
sometimes i wish our roads have never crossed once more last year. because after that, my mind had been a mess. just when i thought i've once again regained my clearheadedness, i am once agin scatterbrained... find myself floating, lost in that space in my mind and heart that you have left vacant. i thought that i could once again feel for someone, i find myself wishing it'd be you who'd come and fill that space - the void you left in me. i have so much gotten used to living with that void in me that i haven't realized it until i met you again - last year. now i wish i could have said something like this at that time so that i won't feel this way. i hate this. i have a lot of other things to deal with, but you always find your way among them. you always take a big chunk of whatever i have to do. you make me weak and strong at the same time. you make me blind and seeing at the same time. you make me numb and feeling at the same time. i am a combination of all that's opposite.
you are my muse... you make me write - this and everything that's left unsaid. i'll keep writing, but my hands are already tired from typing. i just wish that you'd go away... and stay...
