bagong presidente. bagong administrasyon...pero parehong kuwento pa rin.  sinisisi ang kapalpakan ng nagdaang administrasyon para mapagtakpan ang kalokohan ng kasalukuyan.  itigil daw ang korapsyon pero, patuloy pa rin sa happy-happy ang mga bagong talagang opisyales.  kumukupit pa rin sa kabang-bayan.  ang malala pa, sila lang na mga nasa taas ang nakikinabang, at wala ni ambon man lang sa mga nasa ibaba - ang mga kawawang kawani na kadalasa'y over-worked, under-paid.

kelan kaya ang tunay na pagbabagao?  sana nga sa pagtahak sa matuwid na daan, e baguhin din ang uka-ukang kalsada.  bakbakin sana muna ang aspaltong dati nang nadiyan at palitan ng konkretong kalsada.  at saka natin pag-usapan ang pagtahak sa matuwid at bagong daan.  ang siste kasi, dati nang nadyan ang tuwid na daan, hindi lang tinahak ng mga nagdaang liderato. 

ang taong-bayan naman ay handang magsakripisyo sa ngalan ng katarungan at tamang katwiran.  kaya nga pikit-mata nilang isinulat ang mga pangalan ng kandidato sa balota noong eleksiyon.  kaya nga sila ang nakaupo at ngayo'y namumuno sa bansa.  isinakripisyo na ng taong bayan ang pagpili sa ibang kandidatong sana'y mas kuwlipikado.  at patuloy pa silang nagsasakripisyo habang naghihintay sa mga resulta ng kanilang pagpili ng kandidato...habang hinihintay ang pangakong kaginhawaan at kalinisan ng bayan.

sana lang ay may patunguhan tayo ngayon.  sana ay matapos na ang pagbubuo ng daang matuwid... dahil matagal nang handa ang mga Pilipino na tahakin ang daang ito - bago, malinis, at matibay.

kung matapos man ang kalahati ng termino at ganito pa rin ang kinasasadlakan natin.  isa na namang pangako ng pulitiko ang napako.  kunsabagay, dyan sanay ang Pilipino, sa mga pangakong laging napapako.  at kunsabagay, si Kristo man na napako ay hindi napagbago ang buong mundo, paano pa kaya ang simpleng tao?

kunsabagay, ano pa nga ba ang bago?

it's been two years and i realized how much i missed blogging.  so first things first, i will have to overhaul the layout and design.  then maybe, post a new content here.

for now, everything's still under renovation, er, reconstruction.

you are my muse... i cannot deny it even if i try to.  there's a lot of things that i have to write that i cannot write without thinking about you.  you make me write.  i don't know why.  does this mean that i am falling all over again?  i don't want to think so.  all those years of grief that i have gone over would only come back.  i'm tired of the pain, the longing for being with you.  that's why i don't want to think that i'm falling for you once more.

it's just that lately everything that's happening to me leads back to you.  and i just have to keep writing everything else that comes to mind so that i could forget you.  to learn unlearning everything that i had with you.  to prevent myself for missing everything about you.   i guess that's what makes you my muse.  you make me write.  for i only write when i am boggled, restless and fixated about what i feel.  the strong feeling that only fuels a series of "what ifs".  my mind gets creative... what if i meet you again?  what  if we talk again?  the answers play in my mind. all the thoughts, possible and impossible alike, are played over and over until my brain screams for an outlet. 

you know me, this is the only outlet i know that isn't as messy as splashing paint all over my wall.  or as risky as walking in the middle of the night going nowhere.  i should just have written you a letter.  but i do not have the courage, for fear of rejection.  for fear of the unknown, because i do not know you anymore.  it's been years.  i have changed a bit, and i think you did too.  there's a lot  about me that you  don't know anymore, so i only expect the same thing with you.  it's just that i do not really know if you are as willing as i am to let you know me again.  to start from scratch, as if we've never met in this lifetime.

we have friends, and they tell me how well you are right now.  i hope you really are.  for if they tell you that i am well, let it be known that i'm really not.  but i'm hoping that you hope that i really am.  when they tell me you are free.  i'd like to know if you are happy with it.  because i'll be happy for you too. i don't want to know that you are miserable because i'd like to be with you in your misery.  to help you get up.  to help you grow.  to help you be happy.  then i'd be happy too.

i do not know what i am saying.  there's a lot in me that i wanna say.  i'm just running out of words.  the truth is, i want to see you again, to say to you in person whatever it is that's bothering me.  i want to keep blabbering until i get tired.  i want to see how you would react.  and maybe by then, i'd be at peace, knowing the real answer to my "what ifs".

sometimes i wish our roads have never crossed once more last year.  because after that, my mind had been a mess. just when i thought i've once again regained my clearheadedness, i am once agin scatterbrained...  find myself floating, lost in that space in my mind and heart that you have left vacant.  i thought that i could once again feel for someone, i find myself wishing it'd be you who'd come and fill that space - the void you left in me.  i have so much gotten used to living with that void in me that i haven't realized it until i met you again - last year.  now i wish i could have said something like this at that time so that i won't feel this way.  i hate this.  i have a lot of other things to deal with, but you always find your way among them.  you always take a big chunk of whatever i have to do.  you make me weak and strong at the same time.  you make me blind and seeing at the same time.  you make me numb and feeling at the same time.  i am a combination of all that's opposite.

you are my muse... you make me write - this and everything that's left unsaid.  i'll keep writing, but my hands are already tired from typing. i just wish that you'd go away... and stay...